Misery
by Misery Monkie
Summary: In the dark of night, she cries and wants to play pretend. Can Dr. Helms help?


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Misery

© MiSERY

Disclaimer: Dear Diary, today I slept with Matt but before that, I gave Shane a blow job. After sex with Matt, Chris asked me for a three some with him and Christian. I did that then Glenn called me up and I stripped for him. I am a busy girl. Wait, I didn't say what I did with Mark. Lets just say it isn't G rated. If you believed that, wow, you'll believe anything. Love, me

Summary: _In the dark of night, she cries and wants to play pretend. Can Dr. Helms help?_

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Dear dear diary,

Don't I sound like Pink, huh? Lemme take another thing from a song. "Lets play pretend.. lets act like it comes naturally." WHATEVER. I hate this stupid shit. I hate my freakin' life, my freakin' so called "friends", my family. Just everyone. I wish people would just back off. Of course, they won't back off because they "care" about me. I can't believe I am telling my feelings to a stupid book. My shrink told me if I don't want to tell anyone, to just tell it in a journal. OK, I'm doing what he says. Is it helping? Hell if I know.

Nidia stopped her writing long enough to hear her parents yelling at each other. Nidia looked down, she started biting her lower lip and just listened.

"Bastardo!" (Bastard!) She heard her mother say. She heard things getting knocked around and glasses breaking. She heard her mother grunt then a cry broke loose.

"Te odio!" (I hate you) She heard her father say. Her mother's cries grew louder and she didn't know what to do. 

Nidia couldn't get up and save her mother. She wouldn't know how to.

She heard the small wind chime ring then a door slam. She heard the small voice of her little brother call out to mother. She let the tears fall and saw that they fell on the pages on her journal. Frustrated, she closed the book and threw it across the room. It knocked down her _Precious Moments_ Guardian Angel.

Nidia closed her eyes and began to pray. "Nuestro padre, que esta en los cielos, ahuecado sea tu nombre...." (Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hollowed be thy name) She prayed and blessed herself after prayer. "God, don't listen to what my mother said. She didn't mean it."

She sighed and curled her legs to herself. She wished she could call someone, but they left her alone to deal with everything. They didn't care as much. She can't call Amy anymore. She undid their friendship. She didn't think Amy should be burdened by her problems.

Nidia regrets every moment.

)(*)(

Dr. Helms leaned back in his chair. He waited for Nidia. He summoned her from her 1st period to have a talk. Its been five weeks since their last meeting. He learned that she cries because she feels alone. That people don't love her enough.

She was dependent on friends until one of them made her suffer and she blocked everyone away. She shielded herself from having to repeat the same mistakes.

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She's not letting love in. He put in his notes.

He knows she's holding things in when she comes to see him. He can see it in her eyes, in her voice. He has asked about her home life many times. She just sighs and says it's normal. What's normal to her can't be normal to anyone else.

He asked about her little brother, Jamie, once. Nidia told him he's quietest little guy in the world. He doesn't talk much to her. He keeps more to himself then she does. He's never had friends, his self-esteem is... well, she doesn't really know. She guesses it's not the best. She told him that when Jamie does say a word or two, they are nice things. Nidia had told him, that she asked Jamie once if he ever missed not having friends. He told her that, "what's to miss if you didn't have it in the first place,".

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"And what did you say about that?" He asked her.

Nidia looked up at him and smiled. "That was the best thing he ever said to me."

He wrote that down in his notes. At least she doesn't hate her brother. Dr. Helms looked up and saw Nidia step into his office. "Hi," she whispered.

"Ah, Nidia." He smiled. "Sit." She sat down obediently on a chair farthest from him and looked around the room. "How are you feeling today?" He asked.

She bit her bottom lip and loked up at him. "OK, I guess."

Dr. Helms leaned forward a bit and asked, "Why is that?"

Nidia just shrugged. "I dunno. It was a good thing to say just now."

He sat back again and looked at his notes. After a minute and he looked up. "You're not feeling angry today?"

Nidia licked her lower lip then moved her tongue up, she didn't meet his face. "Maybe."

Dr. Helms leaned slightly forward again. "Care to share?" he asked.

Nidia looked around the room but not at him. She debated on telling him about her Mom and Dad. About her grades falling to the extreme. About the students that are constantly putting her down. The friends that want nothing to do with her. And the boyfriend demanding that she have sex with him. She debated on telling him the truth. Nidia blinked, she knew that her eyes were feeling watery. When she looked up, a single tear fell from her eye.

She shook her head. "No."

)(*)(

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Dear dear diary,

I chickened out. I just shook my head and said no. I left and cried on my way to class. I don't get me. I know I want help. I do. Everything is just so fucked up. This guy is taking his time to see me about my problems and I don't say shit. *sighs* I'm tired. Sleepy.

Nidia

Jan. 7th 2001

)(*)(

The only thing Nidia heard that night was the humming of the fish tank. Her dreams turned to nightmares...

Death was around. She had a glimpse of Death at a very young age. She didn't know who the man in black was. She didn't know there was a funeral present. She didn't know that her Uncle Arturo was dead and was never coming back. She played around, being happy while her family and her Uncle's friends were crying at the loss. When her mother told her to go up to the coffin, she did. She saw her Uncle with his eyes closed. She thought he was sleep playing, so she kept saying "Wake up Uncle". No one said a word. But she just smiled and kissed his cold forehead and stepped down. She saw a man in black and she waved. The man in black disappeared but she didn't care. She was young and didn't know anything. Being four years old, nobody explained to her that people die and leave.

When she was eight, her Grandmother died. She cried. She had looked to her father, she didn't see any tears. Her father didn't cry for his dead mother. When she saw that, she didn't cry anymore. She felt cold and knew that Death was around.

She knew, only because she was old enough by then to know what being dead was.

When she was twelve, her friend's Grandfather died. She was invited to the funeral, she went. The place smelled of death. She looked to her friend and saw that she didn't cry. She knew Death was around, because she felt cold through her jeans and long sleeve shirt.

When she was fiftieth, her aunt's husband died. She didn't cry then. She didn't go to his funeral either. She just went to school and acted like it was a normal day. When she came home, she cried alone in her room. Death was around... she just knew he would be there.

When she was sixteen, her mother's brother's baby boy died because he was premature. She didn't know the little baby boy or her mother's brother so she didn't cry. She didn't care much at all. She didn't feel Death around that time.

Now that she's eighteen, she's facing the facts that her Grandfather will be dying soon. Of course, not that she'll cry about it. Because, crying doesn't solve anything. Crying makes you weak. And she doesn't want to feel anymore weaker then she already is.

Nida woke up and looked around. She felt cold and she knew Death was around. "Grandpa's dead," she whispered. How she knew was beyond her. But, minutes later the phones rang, she heard her mother scream.

)(*)(

Another appointment with Dr. Helms. It's Monday all over again. Nidia comes in his office and sits down. "How are you feeling today?" The same question every time.

She shrugged. "OK, I guess."

"I heard about your Grandfather." He said. She shrugged again. "You don't have anything to say about that?"

"I guess not."

Dr. Helms set his notebook down and looked at Nidia. She looked back with slight a roll of her eyes. "Okay, let me try something new. Is that okay?"

"Sure, whatever."

He nodded. "Okay. Nidia, don't think of me as your therapist. Think of me as your friend. Can you do that?"

She actually liked that idea. She leaned forward and looked dead straight into his eyes. "What's your name?"

"Shane." He replied.

"And I can call you Shane?"

"Certainly."

She nodded. She didn't speak for a of couple minutes. She sighed. "I like to pretend." Nidia whispered.

He raised his eyebrow in question. "Pretend what?"

Nidia sighed again and got up from her seat. She walked around the room, looking at all the painting of famous painters. She spoke in a soft voice, but Dr. Helms could hear her fine. "That everyone loves me. That everyone cares. I pretend I have a perfect family, perfect grades, perfect life basically." She paused, then continued. "I pretend that my boyfriend loves me and doesn't cheat on me because I don't have sex with him. I pretend nothing bothers me, when in reality everything does." She stopped her walking around the room and turned around to look at "Shane". She took off her sweater and presented her arms at him. "Then sometimes, I pretend that my blood isn't blood ,but ketchup dripping its way down my arm and onto the carpeted floor."

Dr. Helms' eyes grew large at the scars on her arms. He leaned back in his seat and crossed his right leg over his left. "You cut yourself?"

She slid back her sweater and nodded. "I do."

"Why?"

"To make sure I'm still alive." She whispered.

)(*)(

Dr. Helms sent Nidia back to her class after their session. She felt better—somewhat. She told this person that she wanted to kill herself. She's never told that to anyone, only written it in her journal. 

Although she had told him she still felt the same. Lonely, and helpless.

Nidia paused in the hallway. She felt cold and even more helpless and alone. She looked straight ahead and saw a man in black. He pointed at her and disappeared.

"Death's out to get me." She whispered.

She didn't care.

)(*)(

Dr. Shane Helms didn't see her again the following week, or will he ever see her. Nidia had committed suicide a couple days back. She had succed into cutting the veins on her wrists with a razor. She had the door locked so her parents didn't know she was dead until it was too late. She bled herself to death. During the scene, the officers found a journal addressed to Dr. Helms on her bed along with her bloody body.

They gave the journal to him and that is what he has reading. He read all 150 pages.

The last page was only a few words:

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Don't cry for me, because I've been dead for far too long for anyone to notice. Thanks for trying to help me, Shane. But I was far from it. Besides, Death was calling out to me...

Nidia

Jan. 28, 2001

Shane closed the journal, leaned back in his seat and softly whispered. "I hope you finally found that peace, Nidia."


End file.
